The Funniest Marriage Tweets To Get You Through This Week

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
[at Halloween store]Me: Store security just stopped me.Wife: WHY?Me: They thought I was stealing a Sexy Dad costume.Wife: [leaves]
I asked my wife to guess how many open browsers tabs I had on my phone.She guessed 33.Friends, it was 351.
I just gave my husband listening instructions.“When there’s noise coming out of my mouth, that’s me speaking.”
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
WIFE: You’re not coming to my work Halloween party this year. ME: Is it because last year I put two Doritos under my top lip and called myself Count Snackula? HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My husband just awarded Mr. baby with the “cutest footsies award.” He also did the acceptance speech on baby’s behalf.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song I in the car with my wife I lean over and whisper “my ex loves this song”
Today I said “I’m gonna take an Uber to the vet” and my cat DARTED out of the room. I was like “How does she even know the word ‘vet’” and my wife turned her whole body to glare at me and said “Because she understands English????”
Wife shouting across the house: Can you help me squeeze this caulk?!? Me, with absolutely no idea she’s doing home improvement stuff: Wat
Autocorrect changed “my husband is out of town” to “out of time” and is that what they mean by dark mode
Marriage is amazing. You basically get a built-in bestie to blame everything on.
I like to keep the mystery alive in our relationship by not answering my husband whenever he asks me “What’s for dinner?”
Husband got a mustache and now I need him
help my husband won’t stop saying things like “this one came in way over budget” and “my boss is gonna have my head” when he’s actually just talking about a bridge he built in a video game about building bridges
At that age where my wife and I just walk around CVS to see if any medication we might need is on sale.
My 10 year old nephew asked my husband tonight what his greatest fear is and my husband said in a melodramatic transatlantic accent “fear itself!” Not the right audience for his joke but I appreciate the hustle.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
To be fair, everything probably was “fine.” Until she heard him muttering under his breath as he was walking away.
The best way to work out on a Sunday is by rage-vacuuming while your spouse naps, which burns way more calories than regular weekday vacuuming.
My Ring camera announced “There is motion at your back door,” and now my wife is wishing I did not hear that.